Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Randomize
