I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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