I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
