I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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