the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
