You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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