I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
