White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So apparently I’m into choking now
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