Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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