wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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