I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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