he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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