I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
