He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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