Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
