So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i love accidental penises.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
