i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
