The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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