I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
