I met the friendliest cop last night
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Drunk is a universal language darling
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
