Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
