next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
