my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
