Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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