Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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