Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
