Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
