i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
