omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
