I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
