remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
