My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
