I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
