She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
