dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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