Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
someone threw a dead crab at me
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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