Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
