I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
