i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
How many fucks given?
0.12846
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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