If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
