she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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