i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
