fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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