the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You ruined the universe
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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