never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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