did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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