i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
