remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I am midnight drunk by noon
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
