Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
