Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
